For the last two sleep cycles I have had the same dream. However, it was different this last sleep
cycle. I woke up today and realized it
was incomplete yesterday; this morning it was complete. I immediately rose out
of bed kept repeating to myself “do not let it out of your head, do not let it
out of your head, do not let it out your head,” while I ran and put a pot a coffee
on and went to the bathroom, “do not let it out of your head,” and got to my
laptop. I will try to describe it as best as I can.
Both dreams start out the same, I have all this stuff floating
around me in a dark museum, a lot of it is emotional baggage I know its emotional
baggage. I am running around this museum trying to gather it all up and keep
a hold of it without it floating away again; my pink slip I use to love to wear
as a child was my gender identity, growing up in a cult religion was a shirt,
the scarring of an adult taking sexual
advantage of me was a piece of paper, Brandon and I’s relationship was a rose
with huge thorns, money floating around was taking advantage of my parents
financially, a belt was Brandon’s death, a bottle of alcohol, vial of cocaine
and a dark ball of empty space was the medically induced coma I was in back in
2005. Each item kept trying to float, I would have them all in my hands and the
dark ball of empty space would float off, and I would grab it and then the
shirt would float off and something else would float off. It was so difficult
and I was begging and pleading for help.
My Mother, Ilene, Sister, Amber, and another Female Figure that had no
face where sitting at three different points in the museum. I then began to realize I could not hold onto
these items and just let them all go. I knew I was killing myself chasing all
this emotional baggage, and the dream ended there yesterday morning.
Last night I had the same dream but when I got to the point
of stop chasing these physical items it kept going.
I reached the end of the museum and I had to take this
subway and all my friends and my Mother, Sister and this Lady without a face
got aboard the subway train. I had lost everything I was chasing early and then
the train broke down. We all had to get
off and walk to a station. Everyone stayed at the station but I walked up some stairs
and then I realized I had walked into a room with the Devil. He started trying to convince me that I could
not get out of the room without getting stung by all the scorpions that were
crawling all over. I realized the scorpions was not real and he kept taking
different shapes and bodies trying to block me from getting out of the room,
but I kept forging ahead and I was able to get into the next room without him
or without dying.
In the next room my Mother, Sister and the Lady with no face
were standing around a pit of fire and I walked up to it and spread my arms
open and out of my chest flew the skirt, shirt, paper, rose, the money, belt,
the bottle of alcohol and vial of cocaine and dark ball of empty space and they
swirled down into this pit of fire. I heard the screaming of my past as it
burned with Devil and I woke up.
I sat straight up and opened my arms and knew I was free,
never feeling more like the woman that I am and never doubting that I am
exactly where I need to be. The nightmare is over and I can now live freely as
who I was born to be, Jessica Ilene Madrigal St.Clair.
