Bittersweet Crossroads 2018

2017 while you have been an amazing year, a year that I became whole and yet so incomplete at the same time. Jason has been amazing during this year and has so much potential and I envy his drive and determination to always be a better person.

I never knew the true definition of bittersweet until the moment we came to the realization that while both of us growing independently grew away from each other. No fault of anyone's, we stood at the crossroads where once was two men was now a man and woman. Jason's identity as a gay man could not be changed just as my sense of identity as woman wasn't going back to internal Hell I lived for 43 years.

So today on the eve of 2018 Jason and I stand at the crossroads in Love, Peace and Light both us taking off down our own paths for first time in 12 years. We will forever be connected at this crossroad, at this very point and where  I take my first step into 2018 as a strong and beautiful woman and Jason takes his first step as  strong and handsome man.

I know Jason and I will have a wonderful year  as best friends, cheering each other on, always remembering that moment in our lives, that very point in the crossroad where we let each other go so we can fulfill our true potential. Bittersweet it is, my friend, bittersweet it is.

May you all have a Happy and Blessed New Year!

Jessica Ilene

Lost In The Transition

I did not get much sleep last night. I was up thinking about a conversation Jason and I had before he fell asleep. I wrote Jason a letter at 430 am and waited as long as I could for him to wake up to read it. After he did read it we cried and held each other.

The letter is between us and what will happen to us as a couple, I do not know but we both are good people who deserve to be happy with our identities. Jason a gay man and I a straight female. It's neither a happy time or sad time in our lives but a scary time as we figure out how to go from here after a 12 year relationship.

So today I blog for the first time in a while because I am presently lost in the transition, eager to meet the future but desperately clinging to the past.

The Dream

For the last two sleep cycles I have had the same dream.  However, it was different this last sleep cycle.  I woke up today and realized it was incomplete yesterday; this morning it was complete. I immediately rose out of bed kept repeating to myself “do not let it out of your head, do not let it out of your head, do not let it out your head,” while I ran and put a pot a coffee on and went to the bathroom, “do not let it out of your head,” and got to my laptop. I will try to describe it as best as I can.

Both dreams start out the same, I have all this stuff floating around me in a dark museum, a lot of it is emotional baggage I know its emotional baggage. I am running around this museum trying to gather it all up and keep a hold of it without it floating away again; my pink slip I use to love to wear as a child was my gender identity, growing up in a cult religion was a shirt, the scarring of an adult  taking sexual advantage of me was a piece of paper, Brandon and I’s relationship was a rose with huge thorns, money floating around was taking advantage of my parents financially, a belt was Brandon’s death, a bottle of alcohol, vial of cocaine and a dark ball of empty space was the medically induced coma I was in back in 2005. Each item kept trying to float, I would have them all in my hands and the dark ball of empty space would float off, and I would grab it and then the shirt would float off and something else would float off. It was so difficult and I was begging and pleading for help.  My Mother, Ilene, Sister, Amber, and another Female Figure that had no face where sitting at three different points in the museum.  I then began to realize I could not hold onto these items and just let them all go. I knew I was killing myself chasing all this emotional baggage, and the dream ended there yesterday morning.

Last night I had the same dream but when I got to the point of stop chasing these physical items it kept going.  

I reached the end of the museum and I had to take this subway and all my friends and my Mother, Sister and this Lady without a face got aboard the subway train. I had lost everything I was chasing early and then the train broke down.  We all had to get off and walk to a station. Everyone stayed at the station but I walked up some stairs and then I realized I had walked into a room  with the Devil.  He started trying to convince me that I could not get out of the room without getting stung by all the scorpions that were crawling all over. I realized the scorpions was not real and he kept taking different shapes and bodies trying to block me from getting out of the room, but I kept forging ahead and I was able to get into the next room without him or without dying.

In the next room my Mother, Sister and the Lady with no face were standing around a pit of fire and I walked up to it and spread my arms open and out of my chest flew the skirt, shirt, paper, rose, the money, belt, the bottle of alcohol and vial of cocaine and dark ball of empty space and they swirled down into this pit of fire. I heard the screaming of my past as it burned with Devil and I woke up.

I sat straight up and opened my arms and knew I was free, never feeling more like the woman that I am and never doubting that I am exactly where I need to be. The nightmare is over and I can now live freely as who I was born to be, Jessica Ilene Madrigal St.Clair.