The First Time Little Bird Saw Her Reflection

This is a post from my Facebook but I wanted to record it in my  Blog so I could remember the day little Bird saw  her reflection in the window for the first time and she was happy.

Today was my day off, I had a few chores to do, first I wanted to try a new foundation so I got my face on and then I started my bigger  project of going thru and getting rid of all those  uncomfortable and unnatural to me clothes to give me more space for my slowly growing closet of comfortable and what is natural to me the Jessie that has hid her whole life clothes. Well I took a short break for a snack and was sitting in the recliner watching a lil Jerry Springer and glanced over to the mirror and  I saw a woman looking back at me.   It was the first time I saw my internal sense of identity in the mirror without squinting my eyes, it was almost as if I had been blind all my life and  I was finally able to see myself and I cried.  My internal sense of being a female and what I see in mirror are beginning to match and thank God for water proof mascara!

Jessie

Free Falling-Raw Unedited Emotions of a Transgender on Hormones

Ramblings on the hormones...unedited raw emotional feelings...this is life of a transgender....

OMG I am crying right now because I just want to and don't want someone to tell me I can't.

I am not really sad but I feel and even though I am crying and really feel somewhat out of control, it's all really okay because I know I am being me for the first time in my life and that's okay. This is 43 years of me releasing and it's all going to be wonderful in the end.

I am crying because I am mad  I couldn't wear mascara to work today because I just start crying and I don't want to look like a crazy fool. So I wore just powder and now I feel more uncomfortable but I have to choose my battles...

Okay I can do this.... can I? OMG put the big girl panties on and walk in those airport doors and do this!!

The Wind Beneath My Wings

Late one spring night after a very hard day at work, my heart was torn between acknowledging my true identity and the love of my life, the man I had been in a gay relationship with for the last ten years.  I was crying and asked Jason to drive home.  He knew something was wrong, but wasn’t sure what was going on.  As he was driving, he questioned me about how he could help …and I sat there knowing that if I told him my truth that our relationship would never be the same.  However, I also knew that at this point in my life that I couldn’t live this way any longer without starting to use narcotics again or doing something more serious.

When we arrived home, Jason said, “I think I know what this has to do with.”   I replied, “You have no idea what this has to do with, Jason.” He then asked, “Does this have something to do with you cross dressing?  If so I don’t know if I can have anything to do with that.”   By this time Jason was sitting on the couch in our living room, and I was standing in the doorway of our bedroom sobbing.  “Jason, I know that I am transgender.”  He came running towards me, hugged me, and held me tighter than he has ever held me and said, “We will get through this together.”  I have never felt more love or concern from this man than I did that night.

When I came out to my friends and family, their first question was about my gay husband.  But thankfully, I can tell them that he is committed to trying to adjust to the transition, and I have committed to not make any decision without him about my transition.  My therapist and doctors understand that while I do not want to lose my gay husband, I do not want to lose me either. So far we have done well in communicating and keeping each other in check about how we feel about every detail of the transition.  Jason has been there every step of the way, every doctor appointment, making sure that he gets his questions answered as well.  He is going to his own therapist who specializes in transgender and transgenders’ spouses and is journaling his own thoughts and questions (which are many) about the whole journey.

Jason is truly a wonderful partner, husband, and companion and has been the wind beneath my wings during my journey.  One of the greatest gifts resulting from me coming out as transgender is seeing Jason opening up to me more than he ever has in the last ten years as he takes an active part in making our relationship work through this transition.  He is being a true husband and for that I am eternally grateful.

Against the Wind

I do not know how to start or where to begin but I want to start blogging my journey. I guess for my first blog I want to give you a little background of where and why I am. The past few months is seemed that every day the news was covering HB2, a bill discriminating against the transgender community; and on Facebook some of my friends would state their mind discriminating against the transgender community.  At work the chatter among my coworkers was also discriminating against the transgender community, and all the while I sat quietly thinking to myself, - this is me they are talking about. So as a forty-three year old, born male, happily married person, I began using narcotics and thinking of suicide. 

 

I have always known I was transgender.  I just never thought I could come out. At a very young age I was a girl in my mind.  I have talked with numerous transgender persons throughout my life and asked how can I do this?  But something was different this year.  I had the smarts to know that because I was beginning to mask the pain of not being me with pain pills and considering taking five 30mg oxycodone to just end it all, that I had to face this head on once and for all. 

 

I began therapy and came out transgender in the April 2016.  I started hormone replacement therapy on June 29, 2016. My husband, Jason, has been an amazing support and is committed to the adjustment. My family and friends have been supportive and I feel so lucky to have this amazing community around me during my transition. Of course, there have been some tears and some moments of laughter which I will try to share with you.

 

Looking back on how hard my life has been, how I have been swimming upstream, flying into the wind, I realize now I was doing it wrong.  And as a result, I now realize that one of the easiest things I ever have done was come out transgender. With the wind behind me now I am ready to soar and be the woman I have always known I really am.  

Jessie