Beaten

Oh how uncomfortable vulnerability feels and yet I walk through it everyday. I often find strength in vulnerability but today I am lost in the storm not knowing which way is up.

2018 the year of bittersweetness. For the first time in my transition I begin to wonder if I can do this on my own. I am beginning to realize how easy my transition has been until now I just feel like the head wind is too strong. I can not win the battle, I don't know how to gather the strength to go out the front door today, to live authentically.

For once I do not have the answer for how to pick myself up and move on. I guess I just have to tread ahead and just may be one day something will go my way. Until then I'm holding on tight as the wind of life strongly blow against my brow.

Growing Pains

The last four month's have been interesting to say the least and the lessons I am learning about womanhood have been plentiful. I have not blogged in a while and I feel I have something write bit I don't know what it is...yes I do.

I am beautiful. I am learning to say those words does not mean I concieted or self-centered. I am saying it with self confidence and affirming to myself that I am worthy of love. I am also beginning to understand what it means to be a beautiful woman and how I need to handle the gift of being able to bat my eyelashes and smile and get a guy to act like a fool.  While these past few months have been fun, and I've acted like a kid with a new toy, its time to grow up and respect the beauty I possess.

I am also learning how to deal with being a sexual fetish or fantasy to most men who want to go out with me. It is a hard road to be a transfemale and being single and trans is even more difficult. Most men my age are scared to date me because of the fear of how it may change the sexuality to society. There are a few that do not care and I am learning that guys younger than I really do not care as their sexuality is more fluid and the do not like labels. I believe in 10 to 20 years time we will begin to see in society love knowing no gender. The younger generation will lead us on a gender revolution and we will see the stigma of being transgender demish.  I often think of how lonely Marilyn Monroe must have felt being sexually objectified on a daily basis and as I am no MM I understand how she must have felt and frustration that she endured to be taken seriously.

It is challenging to post these thoughts as I do not want you to think I think highly of myself. I am beautiful and I posses some great qualities as a human being but I have so much to learn and how to handle the gift that God has given me. It is time to be responsible a beautiful woman and grow the hell up. I am so grateful for this journey and always try to move forward taking time to appreciate and respect the growing pains of this transjourney.

Jessica