A New Chapter

Today I deactivated (not deleted) my old Facebook account. I have been contemplating what to do with it for some time, however I felt it only respectful that I keep it open while I was with Jason. Now that we have respectfully separated the time is right that I begin to finalize those chapters of my life.

Another bittersweet moment, my previous life I was so unhappy as I was internalizing my sense of identity. I am grateful for all those memories, experiences, successes and failures. It has given me the ability to navigate the transition of my life into my identities. (Not that I always make the right decision.)

And while I have let go of my marriage, I let go of the pretending and occasionally I will re-read those chapters as I write new chapters of this beautiful journey.

Jessica Ilene

Looking Over My Shoulder

Thirteen years ago today I stumbled into an emergency room at death's door and didn't leave for 45 days. Today I wake up and take assessment of all I have and while I may be alone I am not lonely. (A quote from my mother)

My marriage has ended and it has been emotional rollercoaster, I have never been happier in my life. I am thankful for the time I was with Jason and the support he gave me all those years. We had a peaceful and wonderful love but as I transitioned into my true self it is clear to me know he was only there to help me get to a certain point of my life. As a gay man he no longer completes this straight woman and I no longer complete him.

When we were standing in empty apartment what was once our home, holding one another crying and saying goodbye, I knew I had made the right decision for me. Tears streamed down our faces for the past and what we once had, for the fear of being alone on the journey of life and we slowly let go, walked away, and went our separate ways into the darkness of the night.

I occasionally look over my shoulder to our relationship just as I remember this day 13 years ago and am thankful for all of the victories and the failures and it helps me forge ahead on the best and happiest days of my life.

Jessica Ilene

NoseDive

This weekend in mid-air, in mid-flight I stalled. As I could not see beyond the heartache, I began a nosedive that I was sure I was destined to crash and burn.

At the last moment I pulled myself together wounded and battered with friends and family I came in and landed safely. Since then I have taken cover in the hanger of love and support from those friends and family around me and began to repair my wounds of past relationships, self distruction and old habits.

I have came so far, so many miles, and now I realize that I have so many more to travel. I deserve to be able to go the distance in my transition to womanhood and more importantly I deserve love for the internal and external beauty  I possess.

For now I just breath and let the ground beneath me and my friends and family be my support while I prepare for the next leg of this beautiful journey. In time on my own, I will take flight and discover who I truly am and find what I deserve.

Jessica Ilene

Try Again

I wake up from the hardest 24 hours of my life. My heart is broken. What was once a secure and stable marriage is now over and I have cried until I could not cry anymore. And while I am sure there will be more tears over the man who I loved for 12 years, today I'm picking up the shattered pieces of my heart and moving on.

The greatest act of love I can give Jason is to let him go and it's easier said than done. And the greatest act of love I can give myself is to follow through with this journey of transitioning and be the woman I have always been. By finally finding myself and the woman I am today, my husband lost sight of the man he married. Neither of us at fault for being true to ourselves.

I have so much to look forward too and I realize that there will be a man who will love me for the woman I am. I can never go back to what I once tried to be and while I may fall along the way I must always get back up and keep on trying. For failure is not the falling down part, it is the not getting back up part and trying again.

Today I choose to get back up and try again.

Jessica Ilene