The Girl in a White Dress

I met a beautiful little girl Monday. She was about five years old with long dark brown hair and deep brown eyes. Her dress was pure white with big beautiful orange flowers on it.  She said that her mother had made it for her. She was twirling around  and playing house in a pasture.  Her hair blew in the wind, and it was as though she was gliding through the tall grass.

As I walked with her, trying to keep up, I realized who she was and I began to cry. She asked me what was wrong and I apologized to her for not acknowledging who she was and asked her to please forgive me. Her loving response was,  ‘Oh I forgave you a long time ago. “ 

I wept and the tears of the painful years since I first knew my true identity flowed down my cheeks.  I cried because I had turned my back on that little girl so many years ago.  I  was the little girl, wearing a pure white dress with big orange flowers, playing house, dancing in the pasture, planning her wedding, and marrying the man of her dreams . 

The guilt I carried so many years has been forgiven, and now I can dance freely in the pasture life.

Beaten

Oh how uncomfortable vulnerability feels and yet I walk through it everyday. I often find strength in vulnerability but today I am lost in the storm not knowing which way is up.

2018 the year of bittersweetness. For the first time in my transition I begin to wonder if I can do this on my own. I am beginning to realize how easy my transition has been until now I just feel like the head wind is too strong. I can not win the battle, I don't know how to gather the strength to go out the front door today, to live authentically.

For once I do not have the answer for how to pick myself up and move on. I guess I just have to tread ahead and just may be one day something will go my way. Until then I'm holding on tight as the wind of life strongly blow against my brow.

Growing Pains

The last four month's have been interesting to say the least and the lessons I am learning about womanhood have been plentiful. I have not blogged in a while and I feel I have something write bit I don't know what it is...yes I do.

I am beautiful. I am learning to say those words does not mean I concieted or self-centered. I am saying it with self confidence and affirming to myself that I am worthy of love. I am also beginning to understand what it means to be a beautiful woman and how I need to handle the gift of being able to bat my eyelashes and smile and get a guy to act like a fool.  While these past few months have been fun, and I've acted like a kid with a new toy, its time to grow up and respect the beauty I possess.

I am also learning how to deal with being a sexual fetish or fantasy to most men who want to go out with me. It is a hard road to be a transfemale and being single and trans is even more difficult. Most men my age are scared to date me because of the fear of how it may change the sexuality to society. There are a few that do not care and I am learning that guys younger than I really do not care as their sexuality is more fluid and the do not like labels. I believe in 10 to 20 years time we will begin to see in society love knowing no gender. The younger generation will lead us on a gender revolution and we will see the stigma of being transgender demish.  I often think of how lonely Marilyn Monroe must have felt being sexually objectified on a daily basis and as I am no MM I understand how she must have felt and frustration that she endured to be taken seriously.

It is challenging to post these thoughts as I do not want you to think I think highly of myself. I am beautiful and I posses some great qualities as a human being but I have so much to learn and how to handle the gift that God has given me. It is time to be responsible a beautiful woman and grow the hell up. I am so grateful for this journey and always try to move forward taking time to appreciate and respect the growing pains of this transjourney.

Jessica

Too Scared To Fly

My therapist and I have talked about validation and how to handle it. While I think relying on other's opinions too much about self worth is not healthy, I realize after I transitioned I have been seeking more validation because I lacked confidence in my beauty and femininity.

I have recently been on several dates with a guy and he has told me I'm beautiful numerous times to which I reply "whatever what's wrong with you but my therapist says to say thank you." Today I realized that all the while I have been seeking the validation of my femininity and self worth, I deflect it when given to me as if I am not worthy of any praise or appreciation. But I am. I am worthy, I am beautiful, I am a woman and while I may be a trans woman, no one person can validate or deny my femininity and beauty except me.

It feels amazing to be told I'm beautiful and it's taken a long time to believe it. As the bird who has been too scared to fly, I use self validation of my beauty and femininity and spread my wings and take a chance that my family and friends will be the wind beneath my wings and help me soar high into the sky as the beautiful woman I am.

Jessica Ilene

A New Chapter

Today I deactivated (not deleted) my old Facebook account. I have been contemplating what to do with it for some time, however I felt it only respectful that I keep it open while I was with Jason. Now that we have respectfully separated the time is right that I begin to finalize those chapters of my life.

Another bittersweet moment, my previous life I was so unhappy as I was internalizing my sense of identity. I am grateful for all those memories, experiences, successes and failures. It has given me the ability to navigate the transition of my life into my identities. (Not that I always make the right decision.)

And while I have let go of my marriage, I let go of the pretending and occasionally I will re-read those chapters as I write new chapters of this beautiful journey.

Jessica Ilene

Looking Over My Shoulder

Thirteen years ago today I stumbled into an emergency room at death's door and didn't leave for 45 days. Today I wake up and take assessment of all I have and while I may be alone I am not lonely. (A quote from my mother)

My marriage has ended and it has been emotional rollercoaster, I have never been happier in my life. I am thankful for the time I was with Jason and the support he gave me all those years. We had a peaceful and wonderful love but as I transitioned into my true self it is clear to me know he was only there to help me get to a certain point of my life. As a gay man he no longer completes this straight woman and I no longer complete him.

When we were standing in empty apartment what was once our home, holding one another crying and saying goodbye, I knew I had made the right decision for me. Tears streamed down our faces for the past and what we once had, for the fear of being alone on the journey of life and we slowly let go, walked away, and went our separate ways into the darkness of the night.

I occasionally look over my shoulder to our relationship just as I remember this day 13 years ago and am thankful for all of the victories and the failures and it helps me forge ahead on the best and happiest days of my life.

Jessica Ilene

NoseDive

This weekend in mid-air, in mid-flight I stalled. As I could not see beyond the heartache, I began a nosedive that I was sure I was destined to crash and burn.

At the last moment I pulled myself together wounded and battered with friends and family I came in and landed safely. Since then I have taken cover in the hanger of love and support from those friends and family around me and began to repair my wounds of past relationships, self distruction and old habits.

I have came so far, so many miles, and now I realize that I have so many more to travel. I deserve to be able to go the distance in my transition to womanhood and more importantly I deserve love for the internal and external beauty  I possess.

For now I just breath and let the ground beneath me and my friends and family be my support while I prepare for the next leg of this beautiful journey. In time on my own, I will take flight and discover who I truly am and find what I deserve.

Jessica Ilene

Try Again

I wake up from the hardest 24 hours of my life. My heart is broken. What was once a secure and stable marriage is now over and I have cried until I could not cry anymore. And while I am sure there will be more tears over the man who I loved for 12 years, today I'm picking up the shattered pieces of my heart and moving on.

The greatest act of love I can give Jason is to let him go and it's easier said than done. And the greatest act of love I can give myself is to follow through with this journey of transitioning and be the woman I have always been. By finally finding myself and the woman I am today, my husband lost sight of the man he married. Neither of us at fault for being true to ourselves.

I have so much to look forward too and I realize that there will be a man who will love me for the woman I am. I can never go back to what I once tried to be and while I may fall along the way I must always get back up and keep on trying. For failure is not the falling down part, it is the not getting back up part and trying again.

Today I choose to get back up and try again.

Jessica Ilene